No light in Hell

 I wasn't sure of I was asleep or awake. Or whether I had gone blind. It was dark - no, pitch black and i could barely make out anything. I could somehow tell I was standing. But how did I get here? I couldn't take long to consider that, however. Something seemed to be taking shape in the distance just ahead. All I could tell was that it was humanoid. With....horns? Fear gripped me and I wanted to run. But my legs felt like lead and I couldn't move them, how much more turn around to run. And even worse, somehow, the humanoid being seemed to be approaching me without moving its feet. Or I was the one approaching it without moving my feet - I wasn't sure. But soon, I was close enough to make out a few of its features. It was black all over and had all the features of a regular human. Asides the huge horns protruding from the sides of its head. I also couldn't help noticing the huge trident it held carelessly in its left hand. And that it was completely Unclad. Then the eyes and teeth, surprisingly white, stood out in stark contrast to the rest of its completely pitch black visage. I trembled in terror. "Welcome to hell." It said in a gravelly voice. "Hell?" I cried. "God forbid!" snapping my fingers over my head at the same time to underline God's forbidding it. "Forget about God forbidding it. You are already here so you might as well get used to it." "But....b-but..I can't be in hell!" "You are." "No way!" "Way." "Why am I in hell?" I asked, confused. "I pray everyday before going to bed. I asked God for forgiveness of my sins, I..." "Are you not Nigerian?" The evil looking thing asked. I considered claiming to be Ghanaian. " I can read your mind, you know" it said, murdering the thought in cold blood. "Fine," I admitted. I am "Nigerian." " Then you are in the right place. You guys can fit argue sha. Anyways, I have been assigned to give you a welcome tour of the place so you don't get lost. My name is Frank. Don't call me Frankie." I wasn't planning on it. "So," he started, pushing open a black gate I just noticed was there, "in you go. We don't have all day. Besides, the Gardener's Daughter starts by six and I don't want to miss today's episode." "You guys watch TV?" I asked, baffled. "What did you think?" He replied. "In you go." He pushed me inside and as soon as i was in, a heat wave struck me, very much like the one that strikes me on those nights PHCN decide to be stingy with power supply and my generator decides to pack up as well. I began to feel uncomfortably sticky and sweaty. "Is it always this hot?" "It's hell, what were you expecting? Though I would have thought you would have been used to this. Most of the casual staff here are nigerians, mainly because they are used to the conditions." I was dumbstruck. "Let's get you registered, shall we? The administrative block is over there." He pointed out a soot covered building up ahead of us. " what's that noise?" I asked, now observing a loud, grating, annoying but vaguely familiar noise coming from the side of the building. "Oh, that's the generator. No light for three days. Really annoying. We wrote a letter to the power authorities but they are yet to get back to us. Don't they know diesel is expensive?" I was amazed. "No light in hell?" I wondered aloud. "Is there light in your country?" Frank asked. "No." "Good. So it's nothing new to you." After the registration was done (turned out I had to pay for the ink, pen, paper and buy lunch for the registration staff (who turned out to be all Nigerians) else I would be asked to join the long waiting queue outside where it was really hot), Frank led me outside and pointed in the direction of a few derelict-looking buildings. "Those are the living quarters. They should have been renovated years ago but we awarded the contract to one Nigerian firm. You should know where this is going." I nodded in agreement. "Yeah, your country people are awesome like that." "C'mon," I protested. "We're not that corrupt!" "Yeah, right! There was no corruption in hell till we started letting Nigerians in! You guys have been the greatest load on our resources since we opened up this joint. See the fence?" I observed a perimeter fence manned by armed spirits like him at every interval of fifteen meters. The fence was almost impossibly high and topped off with spikes, barbed wire and electric barriers. "We had to install that after we had our first escape attempt when some Nigerian guy managed to sneak out dressed as a woman. We caught him at the border trying to bribe his way into heaven." I didn't know what to say to this. "Or those guys" he pointed into the short distance ahead where I spotted a motley band of shabbily dressed young men, drinking paraga, smoking weed and harassing passersby. " Are those....are those touts?" "Nigeria's finest." Frank responded. "We have not been able to control them since they got here. They keep collecting money from us, telling us it is for garage maintenance. We don't have garages in hell!" "Since the big boss decided to appoint a few Nigerians to administrative positions, our yearly budget suddenly started running deficit. And yet we don't know where the money is going. By now you should have guessed that it's a Nigerian that heads the power authorities. The torturers who should be making people's lives miserable now come to work, sign the register then sit down to gist and watch Telemundo. We acquired a new generator for the electric torture chamber but the Chief Executive Oppressor had it moved to his personal home. He called it a part of his Structural Replacement Programme. Things have been slow around here since the torture tools were sold, apparently to raise funds to buy better tools but we're yet to see those, so we just sit around all day, playing Ludo. Now they are planning to rig an election to remove the big boss himself. It has gotten so bad that from next week, we won't be able to accept new intakes. We would have to outsource our torture business but we've already made arrangements for where new intakes should go." "Where?" I asked, more amazed than curious. "To Nigeria, of course!"